Assignment 8: Dave Cooks the Turkey

The short story of "Dave Cooks the Turkey", by Stewart Mclean, is a hilarious story of an everyday dad who is told, by his wife, to cook the Christmas turkey, a skill that many men lack. Throughout the story Stewart Mclean uses three techniques of humour to express himself. The three techniques include blunder, caricature, and satire. Blunder is wit based on a person who makes a mistake, which makes them appear foolish. This technique is used many times throughout the story. Dave appears foolish infront of his wife when she caught him saying 'uh oh'. "I thought 'uh oh,'" said Dave. "I didn't say 'uh oh.' Thinking 'uh oh' isn't like saying 'uh oh.' They don't send you to jail for thinking you want to strangle someone." "What?" said Morley. (Pg. 7) Another humorous technique that was used was caricature, which is an exaggeration of a person's mental, physical, or personality traits, in wisecrack form. Caricature is used when Dave is complaining about what his wife does in her spare time explaining that "They drank tea, or beer, and the host baked something, and they worked on stuff." (Pg. 5) Lastly, satire was used throughout the story. Satire is wit that is critical humor including sarcasm, that makes fun of something. For example, Dave thinks, "Oh. Great, I'll get the drinks", when he notices that Jim and his mother were coming over for super. Because Dave did not want Jim and his mother to come over he sarastically told his wife that he'll prepare the drinks, when the truth is that was the last thing he wanted to do. In conclusion, Dave is someone who has wit, exaggeration, and sarcasm which was presented in the story in the forms of blunder, caricature, and satire.

Assignment 7- Narrative Essay: Certain experiences mark the beginning of maturity

I was born with something called atopic dermatitus, also known as eczema. Growing up, it never occured to me that I was different than other children, I was who I was and I believed that eczema made me Me. I was included by others; as long as you could play tag you were in the group. As I began to grow older, and started school, it only became worse and I realized that I looked different than others and they saw me as that. My parents told me that I was special, just in who I was, and that there was a reason for why it was me this had happened to, but I didn't beleive them.

When I was 11 my family and I moved to Pentiction . By the teen years my eczema started to worsen and my parents began to send me to a local dermatologist. The dermatologist had never seen a case as bad as mine so he immediatly sent me to one in Kelowna, who almost couldn't handle it himself. Treatement didn't work; the dermatologists couldn't uncover what was triggering my breakouts and told me that it was something I was going to live with. In grade nine I was excited to start high school in a new place but I was only stared at as others wondered what was wrong with me. I began to become very insecure and felt I needed to cover up with jeans and heavy hoodies. In the summer I would rarely go to the beach, and when I did I was stopped and asked by people if I had been attacked by an animal or fallen into a rasberry bush.

I began to believe that outward beauty meant everything and felt it was something I was definetly lacking. As time carried on I decided to become home schooled, as the dermatologist thought it may be stress that made it worse. As I grew older and began to mature and find myself, I realized that it doesn't matter what people think of you and you are only wasting time worrying about what others are saying or thinking. It was when I came to that point of confidence in myself when my eczema went away. Dermatologists say it was something I just grew out of, I also belive it was something that happened to make me a strong, confident person.

Through my experience I have learned not to care what others think of me and I can now understand others with insecurities and problems. Right now I teach a girl's group called "Beautiful Girl" for middle school girls where we learn the importance of inner beauty and self confidence. I am glad that this experience has happened to me because I have matured so much through it and it has made me confident in who I am and that is something that nothing can take away.

Assignment 5: An increase in profanity (foul language) is indicative of a decline in society's morals.

Back in the good old days people were good. Everyone knew what morals were and they tried hard to stick on the right side of the moral line. They didn't swear, showed a great deal of respect and self-control, and tried to hold high profiles for good reputation for thier families. So what happend? It wasn't long ago when something along human's timeline switched and new generations arose full of hatred, disrespect, and foul language. Today even women are heard swearing, which someone, 100 years ago, would be astonished to know. I believe that an increase in foul language does play a role indicating the decline of society's morals. Foul language indicates disrespect, lack of proper grammer, and comes across as being 'slack'. It's disrespectful to speak profanity, although many people would disagree with me, because it shows you don't care what authority thinks or says about you when you continually use foul language. Years ago, many farmers would use foul language because they did not have proper grammer, as we do now, and that is why they didn't know better . Lastly, profanity shows disrespect towards authority. For instance, how would you feel if your teacher would yell out foul language when trying to teach you a subject? That student would, obviously, not feel welcome or respected. Or how would the country react if the president/prime minister spoke profanity in their speeches? We would all agree they come across as immature and lacking morals. Lastly, profanity shows disregard to others around us, such as children, and a lack of self-control. That is why many people's morals are declining resulting in profanity.

I do not think that a simple word can indicate declining morals for someone's life. Morality is a set of beliefs distinguishing between right and wrong behaviours. Knowing that, the words you use to speak do not reflect what you believe is right and wrong, especially if you are not using profanity towards somebody. To many people foul language is not "foul" and is only used when in distress or frustration. So then, how can we say that just because someone speaks "profanity" they have declining morals and cannot understand the difference between right and wrong? That is absolutely not up to us to judge a person's morals based on the words they speak. Also, many countries have completely different views on profanity. For example, many words such as 'damn' and/or 'hell' are considered "bad" in the USA and Canada when in Australia, those words are used as everyday words and are not considered profanity. Lastly, why do people use words such as 'heck', 'frick', or 'dang', trying to substitute foul language when they think profanity is wrong. Is it not any different? Change a couple letters around in those words and you are "cussing" just the same. In conclusion, words are words and the way a person speaks should not make people assume they have declining morals.

Parallel Structure

I have lived a breathtaking life, unlike any other; filled with triumph and success. I have climbed many mountains, run daring races, and saved countless cats from towering trees. I am not afraid to jeopardise my life to save others in need. For instance, if there was an old lady who's cat was stuck in a tree I would, bravely, find a ladder and save it for her. Needless to say, I do not need to continue raving about what a wonderful person I am, but I will go on so that others can enjoy the many wonders that make up my life. I save whales and spend long afternoons throwing dried starfish back into the ocean. I recycle plastics to such an extent that I am likely singlehandedly conquering the problem of ozone layer depletion. I pick up hitch hikers and drive them anywhere they want to go, even it means driving for days. I have fought off grizzly bears, to save a nest full of honey bees, armed with only a paper bag (made entirely of recycled materials). I earn money by babysitting needy children and donate my cash to Green Peace. The homeless sleep on my floor and I have an animal shelter downstairs. This is a very abbreviated list of my humane accomplishments, but it should give you an idea of what a gift I am to this world. I often wonder how it survived before me.

Al Capone

The old man starred. His eyes looked passed me as if I didn't even exist. He frowned, squinted his eyes, and closed his scruffy mouth around his cigarette and mumbled words, as if to try reassure himself of something. Half his face was covered in a black shadow cast by his dusty leather hat that dipped down, deep, against his sweat-dripping forehead. The man's face was round and he had many wrinkles; either from squinting or old age. The angry face of the man made you feel guilty as if a crime was committed when he looked at you. The dark eyes were shallow but filled with experience and pain. He wore an old fashioned suit that was too tight and his scruffy chin folded over his collar and tie. His body was plump, as if he hadn't worked in years, and his hands were unwashed and brown from dirt. His black shoes were muddy and his dress pants were to long which caused them to be ripped and dirty at the bottom. His suit jacket was too short in the arms and to small in length. The white shirt, underneath his jacket, was tucked into his pants and his stomach bulged, stretching the white shirt so that it looked like it could rip open. Before I turned to leave I glanced over and shot a small, friendly smile to the man who sat lonely against the old wooden boards of the train station. He didn't care to smile back, his eyes grieved something as if he had not a thing to live for. As I walked away I wondered what could have caused his pain to feel so alone and depressed in this beautiful world. So, alone, the man sat until dusk at the empty train station.

Haunted Cliche

The dark wood steps creak and moan as I carefully step up each one. Through the cracks I see little glowing eyes that quickly scurry as they hear me walking over them. My shaking hand reaches into a cobweb as I try to grip the black steel railing. As I get closer to the big red door there are butterflies in my stomach. I look up into the sky and try to find some peace before I enter the old mansion. The black clouds cover the full moon as if they are keeping a dark secret. The wind whistles as it blows the last couple crispy leaves off the tree that reaches it's hands out pointing the way to the house. I take a deep breath and grip the cold handle of the door and push. It opens, slowly, as if it hasn't been touched in years. I glance into the dark room as second thoughts come into my mind. As I step into the quiet house all sources of light leave me. The door slams shut behind me and my heart pounds like a drum. I look around the room as my eyes adjust to the darkness. I clench my teeth as I remember all the dark rumours about this house. The moon casts the only source of light through the shattered glass windows allowing me to see the master furniture and the dead fireplace. The air is thick and dusty causing me to have shorter breaths. I have a feeling that I am not alone.

Super Power

Growing up as a little girl I was more interested in pink dresses and barbie dolls than I was in imagining I was super man with a power that could conquer whatever trouble comes my way. Although I never dwelled on the thought of being able to fly or fighting off dragons, I loved water and always pretended I was a mermaid swimming free in the open waters of a tropical ocean. Whenever I swam in water I pretended I had a shiny blue fish tail and pink shells. If right now I was granted the wish to have one power, providing an escape from reality, it would be to swim under the waves with no need to breathe air.

Another super power that I would love to have is invisibility. So many things would be possible if this power existed. I could travel wherever, whenever, not having to worry about my safety or the costs of planes and ships. It would be easy to listen in on secret conversations and stalk celebrities!